Food for Thought

Hello you lovely lot!

So I know I have been incredibly quiet for almost a year now.

I have already shared with those of you who follow my page on twitter that I had been unwell again. I’m mostly restored back to myself now and have been for a few months, but it has taken a lot to build up the courage to actually write this blog and share my story. I’ve had several attempts to try and write something and given up halfway through so even as I write this I don’t know as it will be published or not. But here goes...

Not a Food Fan

So what you should know is that I’ve always been a fussy eater and funny about my food. That’s just part of the quirks of me being me. I have a phobia of cheese which is just easier to joke about and laugh it off. I don’t eat normal things like tomatoes, onions etc etc. God bless my mum for finding things I do eat!

The worst and, to me, the most personal question anyone could ever ask me (which I get ALL the time as I’m so fussy) is ‘What do you like to eat?’. Because quite frankly…I don’t. I eat to live that is all. I wish I could enjoy eating but I just don’t.

I’ve also always felt uncomfortable about eating in front of people that aren’t my immediate family. I would always be there covering my mouth as I’m chewing or trying to take bites when people aren’t looking. I also pick like a pigeon, not a clue why, something in my brain just says one piece of chicken is fine to eat, the other bit just isn’t. I still don’t know why that is and I can't explain it.

You also need to know that I am naturally very thin. Always have been. I can eat junk food everyday and nothing else and I wouldn’t put on a single bit of weight. When I was in primary school I was called anorexic, I was told I needed to eat something…but it was just something I couldn’t help. Yes, people call me lucky and sure, it’s great that I don’t have to worry about putting on weight, but it can also make things very dangerous as I was about to find out.

Moving to London 

Despite the food situation, I’ve always eaten 3 meals a day. Never questioned that, ever.

Then I moved out of home back in March and moved in to a shared house in London. Suddenly, I was having to make my own meals and pay for my own food and nobody was observing what I was eating. Things started off fine, I’ve always been an awful cook but I made things work. I would continue to eat three meals a day. Then I got about a month down the line and I got paid for the first time in my new job. I only just had enough to pay my rent with only about £50 left over to live on for the month for travel, food, and anything else.Now, my parents are always very supportive. If I say I’m struggling financially my mum will help me out. I know I will never be all alone and struggling and my parents will always stick by my side and I am so incredibly lucky to have that constant support system.

However…the point of me moving out was to be independent…to live off of my own money and not go running back to mummy when things went wrong. So I started trying to cheat. I figured if I could live off two meals a day rather than three, it would save a lot of money.
It worked for a while then it became obsessive. I was convincing myself I was saving money and learning to ‘live in London’...that it was just part of the experience...but I was actually spiralling into a very dangerous habit.

Discovering the Scales

Then I discovered some scales in the bathroom in the shared house I live in…and just out of curiosity stepped on them one day. Then that curiosity turned into another obsession. Without going into too much detail, the scales became my best friend and the link between weight and what I could eat was huge. Weirdly, none of this was ever about losing weight. I know I’m thin and probably always will be. I’m happy with that and for some stupid reason it never crossed my mind that I would lose weight so noticeably. Though it wasn’t just the losing weight that became obvious to people. My skin was awful, I looked horribly pale…I even had unexplained bruises all over my body which was quite scary. All of my clothes were completely hanging off me…my mum took me clothes shopping and I can’t even imagine how she felt when she saw size 6 clothes hanging off me. I didn’t look good at all.

Alcohol

I’ve also always had depression but it hasn’t been too prominent for years. It's always been overshadowed by my anxiety problems (which strangely, seemed to vanish during this period). However, I had been taking anti depressants to keep my depression and my anxiety at bay for 5 years. Of course, with the lack of food, my mood also took a downward spiral. I started getting very depressed, and seriously lack motivation.
So it was about this time that I discovered the benefit of alcohol. Instead of eating dinner, I would drink a bottle of wine. It made me feel better, it made me forget and think that I was happy. For some reason, bearing in mind this whole thing started due to lack of money, money was no longer a concept to me and I was diving into my savings in order to buy alcohol and thinking nothing of it. I wasn’t eating anything at all at this point. Maybe a chocolate bar at some point in the day or a banana or something. But no meals. That pang and pain of hunger in my belly gave me some weird sort of sense of satisfaction.  I had no energy as I was so depressed and weak with lack of food that I couldn’t go to work. Thus making my money situation a million times worse.

Anyway, owing to the alcohol, I started doing very silly things. I would leave my house completely drunk at silly hours of the night and just walk around. Anything could have happened. One night, after a bottle of wine, I took quite a lot of ibuprofen…just to see what would happen. I didn’t want to die at all…I was just curious. Thankfully I came to my senses and made myself sick and that realisation of how utterly stupid that was was one of the key turning points for me. That and discovering several hidden empty bottles of wine under my bed that I was hiding from my housemate. A couple of people also started commenting on my weight, and I couldn't remember the last time I had eaten a meal.

Asking for help

I confided in one person that I trust. I told her everything and I was set up at a local doctors surgery pretty quick. I saw an incredible doctor, who took me very seriously. As soon as I walked in she told me I was very thin and weak looking and she knew before I said anything exactly what I was about to tell her. Of course she was very concerned when the alcohol and ibuprofen incident was mentioned and she referred me to a crisis team in a local hospital straight away. They called me that afternoon and assessed me.

The woman I spoke to on the phone was about to change everything. I don’t even remember her name…but I wish I did as she completely turned my life around. She must have got an idea of my personality very quickly, and worked out that I didn’t need someone to be nice to me, I needed someone to be blunt. She told me that what I was doing to myself was very stupid, that for someone who wanted to be an actor, I wasn’t showing the strength and resilience that I needed. She said that I sounded like a very intelligent girl and I could beat this if I get out of my head and back into my strong mind set that she knew was lying beneath the surface. She then gave me an option...I could either accept their help and have something done by them straight away (ie…a voluntary admission) OR, with their support if I needed it, I could take the responsibility upon myself, give myself a good talking to and get MYSELF out of this declining spiral. I chose to do it myself, and I am so glad I did. I know that not everyone would want to do that and it’s different for every single person, but for me, I think it helped my recovery to do it for myself.

Recovery

It wasn’t easy, but with the support of my doctors and amazing friends and family, I did. The alcohol was surprisingly easy to stop. I didn’t deny myself a drink everyday, I just had one glass or one spritzer. And then gradually I got myself off of that addiction. Nowadays I still like a glass of wine but it’s not a compulsion like it used to be. Thankfully it was a very short lived addiction and I think that’s why it was easy to stop.

The eating was more difficult but I made it. I still have a couple of problems there but I’m back up to a much healthier weight. Money is obviously still an issue (think it always will be for anyone who lives in London!!) and that does occasionally mean that I cheat and skip meals but nowhere near to the extent I did. If I get hungry I eat…that’s my rule now and it works. I’m still not looking like the healthiest person in the world, but right now, it’s winter and I can cover that by wearing baggy jumpers. However, I went out twice this week and instead of finding something that would usually hide my figure and my thinness, I decided to just go for it and wear what I want. I was paranoid of looking too skinny, but I did it and once I had gotten used to it, I totally forgot all about it and didn’t care, I became very comfortable in my own skin for the first time in a while.

I also recently became anti depressant free!! I had been on them non stop for 5 years. I was prepared to be on them for a lifetime…lots of people are and why the hell not? If it makes you better it makes you better. Just like if someone lacks insulin in their body...then you give them more of it... so if you lack serotonin in your brain then we should be given more of that right? But my pills made me tired, they made me irritable and I had been on them for so long I wasn’t sure what affect they were having anymore. So recently I stopped taking them (gradually, and under doctor supervision and recommendation…please don’t just stop)…and voila! For the current moment, I’m happy without them and don’t need them as I’m in a pretty good place. I have no doubt that I will go back on them again at some point, and who cares that’s no problem that’s me. But right now I don’t need them and that makes me very happy.

So the point of me sharing my story guys is not because I want people to feel sorry for me but because I don’t want people to feel alone. It’s horribly isolating when something like this happens, but you know what? It happens. And it may be incredibly cheesy but it’s so TOTALLY true that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And we need people to speak out and open up about their experiences and EDUCATE people. Mental health illnesses are very real…and I wont stop until people are aware how real and how frightening and also how COMMON it is.

Anyways, that’s all from me, over and out!  

   

GUEST BLOG - Jonathan Ford - "Depression, Oil Trading and a Mind at War with Itself"

Hi guys -

I know I have been very quiet recently. I had a few personal issues going on with my own mental health and I needed to focus on getting myself better. I didn't feel that keeping up the blog was going to help with that, but in hindsight, I wish I had. I'm in a good place now, and feel almost ready to share the story of the last few months (but not quite...) so I felt now would be a good time to restart this blog.

THANK YOU to Jonathan Ford, for sending me his guest blog (admittedly quite a few weeks ago now) and starting off that motivation to restart this. At the same time I received Jonathan's email, I also received a message asking me to do a mental health podcast, then that weekend had a drunken chat with a kind random stranger who I told about this blog, who convinced me that what I was doing was a good thing. Many others have also tried to persuade me to take this up again since I last posted, so I think life is telling me something!! 

So, any newbies out there, here's how my blog works. If you want to share your story with mental health - no matter your walk of life, your experience or lack of with mental health, you can be anyone, everyone is welcome here - then get in touch with me! I post guest blogs from anyone and everyone, and want to give everyone a VOICE! You can chose to be anonymous, so please don't be put off as I will always ask you and give you this option. So please get in touch (and like me on facebook and follow me on twitter) -
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/letstalkaboutmentalhealth 
Twitter - https://twitter.com/letstalkmhealth  

You'll be hearing from me very soon -
Suzy x

THIS WEEK'S GUEST BLOG FROM JONATHAN FORD, AUTHOR OF MEMOIR 'DEPRESSION, OIL TRADING AND A MIND AT WAR WITH ITSELF'.

JONATHAN:

"Since writing my candid, shocking and eye-opening memoir, "Depression, Oil Trading and a Mind at War with Itself", I have been asked several times to write a blog but until now have been unable to do so. Rather like the actual writing of my book, I believe I needed to break through a certain mental barrier in order to accomplish the task. For the writing of my book my soul had been laid bare and I felt I had nothing more to lose as I sought to tell my story as openly and honestly as possible, leaving little if anything unsaid, something I now regret a little. The writing of this blog required me to realize I had something more to say once I had had time to reflect upon the now year-old book and had gained some additional perspective on my life.

As the title suggests, I chronicle my seemingly life-long struggle with depression, as well as my long term career in the oil trading industry and how these two were related. The oil stories are informative, amusing and often shocking if not scandalous but for now I shall focus on my mental state and struggles.

As many people believe, depression appears to have several components and causes, broadly speaking, biological or chemical, childhood and then circumstances. In my book I attempt to address all of these factors in relation to my own situation. I discuss memorable moments in my childhood that I believe are relevant to my early mindset and how my parents shaped much of my character, for better or worse. Perhaps a chemical propensity to being depressed is also apparent from an early age. My parents undoubtedly loved me as any parents do but unfortunately each had significant issues of their own, as we all do. My dad was an alcoholic and my idealistic, if naive, mother was critical, negative, judgmental and focused on academic achievement above all else.
Arguably a career as an oil trader or speculative trader of any type would not suit anyone with my mental makeup of perfectionism, tendency towards self-flagelation and all-or-nothing thinking. My early years were beset with periods of self-loathing and depression but I estimated these to be no more than 20% of the time. I actually loved my career in those days and was able to manage my emotional ups and downs.

Now at the age of 27, half way through my life, all changed as I moved to the United States. Within a year my life was transformed beyond recognition as a series of poor decisions set me up to become married and begin a life in the United States.

I had not understood the massive cultural divide that exists across the Atlantic and I soon found myself in a difficult and flawed marriage immersed in a world of superficiality, materialism, sanctimoniousness, hypocrisy, manufactured joy and a homogeneous jingoism and narrow-mindedness fed by big-business and government alike. De Tocqueville's  "Tyranny of the Masses" was alive and well. I did not recognize my life or who I was. It felt as if I was playing a role in a movie for which I was in no way suited. I became extremely depressed and was prescribed anti-depressants which at first did help lift the cloud only to allow me to more clearly see the fact that I was now living a life I did not want. For the next 26 years I was constantly on medication, switching between one and another for better effect, but would estimate I was now depressed around 80% of the time. I was adept at hiding this from most people. In order not to hurt my wife I blamed the depression squarely on my work and not on my personal situation though this increased my internal burden and I even began to believe it myself.

As I struggled through many locational moves with a young family things became worse in my mind and in terms of circumstances. I essentially threw away my career only to watch in dismay as a betrayal and back-stabbing left me unable to regain my old job and my former colleagues make hundreds of millions of dollars.

After an inevitable and painful divorce I refound my feet and a semblance of my old career but once again a series of bad decisions and bad luck brought me despair and heartache.

I remarried, this time thinking I was deliberate and mindful and knew what I was doing but my wife had other ideas that she did not share with me and so began another difficult, tumultuous decade plus marriage that saw me again discard my career and ultimately face massive suicidal ideation as I eventually lost almost everything. Throughout these dark decades I saw no way out of my misery and was merely trying to survive and run down the clock.

Now clearly I made many poor, ill thought out decisions, often through weakness and indifference but also naïveté. In hindsight I realize one should never do what is clearly incongruent with one's character and desires, as I repeatedly and knowingly if reluctantly, did to great cost. Several times I acted out of a desire to avoid conflict while sacrificing my own well-being and over the decades this grew into an unbearable burden of sadness, regret, anger and even resentment. I was not aware until recently of the resentment but understandably and obviously it was there.

As I have stated I have been on medication for depression since 1992. Even though this has helped, when circumstances became so bad they swamped the positive medical effects and severe depression was unavoidable. I have no doubt that biology and upbringing contributed significantly to my propensity for depression but overall, for me, a series of devastating circumstantial life changes coupled with living a life I neither wanted nor recognized in a culture I disliked effectively condemned me to years of despair and almost an untimely demise. For a year after completing my book I was in total shock and barely able to function. I saw my life as completely over and only a desire to not inflict more pain on my four children kept me going though the significant life insurance policy I have was pulling me ever closer to the end. I seldom had the energy or desire to go out and do anything other than watch TV. I was unable to have my children stay over with me and I forced myself to take lunch to them almost every day at school just to see them.

I was fortunate to have a couple of good friends who stood by me during this time, while others distanced themselves from me perhaps not knowing what to do or say. 

Somehow, as 2017 dawned, I managed to put things a little more into perspective but it has not been easy. I still have 27 years of regret to contend with and I am triggered daily to fall back into thinking of the past. I am still plagued with suicidal ideation but do not intend to act on it though I am increasingly comfortable with the idea. I credit a large part of my tenuous recovery with my having met a wonderful lady here in the Dallas area, the last thing I would need or want, one might argue. However, this lady has renewed my faith in relationships and what is possible when two people are honest and caring. I fell victim, through my own fault, to the prevalence here of an obsessive love of money and youthful beauty that drives so much of this society. It appears many women desire money and control and will manipulate their way to their desired ends. I suspect there is a corresponding male side to this as well though I have not encountered it first hand. Clearly one has to chose one's life partner with a little more care and diligence than I did and I have found plenty of life lessons to impart to my four wonderful children."

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GUEST BLOG - Tina McGuff - Seconds to Snap

Hi guys -

Happy New Year!!!
Seems a little late to be saying that, but I realise I haven't posted since before Christmas.
Apologies!!

This week's guest blog is from Scottish author, Tina McGuff, who discusses her own experience with mental health.

Please get in touch if you'd like the opportunity to guest blog -
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/letstalkaboutmentalhealth 
Twitter - https://twitter.com/letstalkmhealth  

Suzy x

Tina McGuff is a Scottish based author of Seconds To Snap – Critically acclaimed & bestselling memoir of anorexia and the recovery process. Now being screen written for movie options.

Since Tina  released her book Seconds To Snap the wave it has created has been immense. It’s also shown Tina that there is a huge need for mental health, mind maintenance and self-awareness not only to mitigate future pressures on the NHS – but also for families, relationships and friends to get through the illness as it effects everyone.

Hope this helps others and early intervention is key to any recovery so please speak out as soon as you can.

Why the world needs to see & hear this message …

This is going to be my first ever blog. I’m nervous….however since I released my book Seconds To Snap the wave it has created has been immense. It’s also shown me there is a huge need as I anticipated for mental health, mind maintenance and self-awareness not only to mitigate future pressures on the NHS – but also o n families, relationships and friends.

I suffered first hand with anorexia (a very complex psychological illness ) – which also came hand in hand with severe OCD, depression, high levels of anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal tendencies, intrusive thoughts, self hate, self-loathing, social isolation, insomnia, self-harming, lack of confidence, distrust as well as a massive terrifying episode of psychosis. There was not a moment back them when I expected to live let alone have a great and worthy life one day. However an incredible doctor gave me a tiny glimmer of hope to which I clung in the off chance it may be true.

Through huge amounts of intense inpatient treatment, medication and self-discovery I turned my whole life around to become a valuable member of society, a wife, mother and friend. I love my life and am truly grateful each day and thankful to all the people who saved it.

So when I wrote the book I wanted to help others come out of the shadow of fear and shame and to also offer them the same glimmer of hope that I had as it was all true. Also to thank the patients who were my family and friends, but also a huge acknowledgement to the staff and doctors who tolerated my crap each day to save me. I’m forever in their debt.

Everyone needs hope – love – stability – early intervention and especially knowing that if they did get sick there would be help available in their home town with the same urgency as any other emergency. There would be a bed. Especially so for your people. There is nothing more terrifying than a severe episode of mental illness – it must be a million times worse for child who can’t understand what’s going on. They need to be close to family each day for extra emotional support. It’s also very traumatic for the family when someone can’t access treatment or get a bed. And then the cycle of their own stress and anxiety starts.

I asked a parliament member recently how he would feel if he had a heart attack that day and went to the hospital and was told – sorry you need to come back in a few months as there are no beds, or doctors. How would he feel? As from my experience and everyone I’ve spoken to in the despair of mental illness you can’t afford to wait.

You can die – it can be terminal.

The brain is an organ and a very special one at that controlling everything about us. Neuroscientists are working hard each day to bring us more knowledge and insight into this incredible part of our body which contains such complexities like our personalities, thoughts, feelings and memories.

 It has to be triaged the same way as every other part of our body when it requires help and attention.

So at the end of the day it’s all down to money for resources – there is not enough to go around, we can’t treat everyone when there is need as there is not enough money.

If there is early intervention and insight with education regards mind health and everything associated with that – we can help stop the need for it in the long run. Thus less urgency for funds and less strain on the doctors, nurses and NHS.

I did an article recently as there was a child who had to wait 22 months for an appointment with CAMHS. UNACCEPTABLE!!! All due to lack of money as they had no doctors available for the appointments. The family as well as the child were hugely distressed.

Another awful story was a young girl I had been told about had tried to hang herself in January – the first appointment they had to give her was June!!! UNACCEPTABLE!!!!

Let’s get talks like mine into schools, workplaces, hospitals, universities across the globe.

Mind health, mental health, self-awareness, meditation, mindfulness, body confidence, resilience all need to be taught and spoken about on a daily basis to prevent the devastating impacts they are predicting on the NHS by 2020.

So in short this is why the world needs to see & hear this message!

It’s our society and I’m doing all I can to create change alongside some incredible people one day at a time.

Tina x

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Seconds-Snap-Explosive-Destroyed-Anorexia/dp/1784183822